New Year Goals

Before the start of every year, I take time to reflect on the past year and make a list of goals for the next. Some of my goals are very specific - either I achieve them or I don't. Others are not so clear cut and reflect areas in which I want to grow. These are the goals I tend to write again year after year (rewriting them a little each time) because I'll never really "arrive" until I reach the end of my life. It can be humbling as I see goals that were full of good intentions, but busyness or life's circumstances caused them to fall by the wayside. On the other hand, it is so encouraging when I see the goals I did achieve or areas in my life where I've come so far. This practice keeps me from getting stuck. It helps me live with purpose amidst all the surprises or hardships a year may bring. And as I review my list from time to time, I'm able to bring some focus to my messy life.

So here it goes...

I'm very good at staying busy and doing a lot of things. I'm very good at pushing myself beyond my limits and working under pressure. I am driven and I don't make excuses. I am efficient and productive. I make things happen. But at the end of this year, I have come to realize that I'm tired of just being busy. I want more. So for the first time in my life, I have a theme for the year: Do less to accomplish more. 

1. Spend extravagant time with God everyday.

2. Dig deep into the Word of God. For most people (and certainly for me in years past), this means reading through the entire Bible in a year. But over the next two years, I plan on reading the Bible slowly, smaller portions each day, so that I can meditate on it more.

3. Seek more opportunities to be light in a dark world.

4. Pursue opportunities to intentionally love well. Also, have coffee/tea/lunch with people more.

5. Spend less time on my iPhone or watching television.

6. Read less books...and read bigger books!

7. Learn a concerto and add two major works to my solo piano repertoire. (This is a big deal when you're battling lupus.)

8. Get every room in the house organized and functional.

9. Buy less and live more generously.

10. Blog at least two times per month...even when especially when I'm not feeling well. (This past year, my goal was to blog at least once a month.)

11. Launch something big. (I know this is vague. But in my journal, what I have written here is very specific. I'm just not ready to, well, launch it yet.)

12. Study Japanese.

13. Learn Latin.

14. Do yoga every week. (In past years, I wrote, "Hike every week," or "Exercise regularly." This past year, lupus really took its toll and this is the one physical activity I think I can commit to even when I'm having a flare.)

15. Learn songs on the ukelele.

My Year In Geeky Books

I love to read. There are bookshelves and piles of books in every room of my house. I spend my free time in bookstores. And I carry a book in my purse everywhere I go. So when I say I love to read, I mean that I have an addiction that runs deep because deep in the core of my being, I am a geek. And I know that I am not alone. Some of you are geeks, too. So if you're a geek like me, or if your New Year's resolution is to read more, or if you're looking for more books to add to your reading list, this geeky list is for you!

For the science geek: 
Physics of the Impossible (A Scientific Exploration into the World of Phasers, Force Fields, Teleportation, and Time Travel), by Michio Kaku
Though I love to watch scientific documentaries, I don't typically read science books. In fact, this book is so different from the books I typically pick up that reading it was almost like an escape for me. Kaku's language is accessible and he has a way of stretching your imagination and changing the way you look at the "impossible."

For the Asian studies geek:
Japanland (A Year in Search of Wa), by Karin Muller
I did not expect much from this book. In fact, I only read it because my husband told me I should. But once I started reading it, I couldn't stop. This memoir is full of observations, bits of history, and old Japanese stories. It is beautiful and painful. And by the end, I was deeply moved and wanted to move to Japan.

For the art geek:
Karsh: Beyond the Camera (Selected photographs of Yousuf Karsh with introduction and commentary by David Travis)
I picked up this book at the National Portrait Gallery after I fell in love with Karsh's photograph of Aaron Copland. Karsh's ability to capture the character of his subjects is incredible, and Travis' commentary digs into the artist's psyche in an intriguing way. I will come back to this book again and again.

For the history geek:
Night, by Elie Wiesel
In this autobiography, Wiesel gives a vivid picture of the horrors of the Holocaust and human nature. Dark. Moving. Intense. Powerful. Poetic. A beautiful work.

For the biblical studies geek:
The Case For the Psalms (Why They Are Essential), by N.T. Wright
This is an intellectual and passionate look into the Psalms. I have read the Psalms over and over again throughout my life, but this book challenged me to make the Psalms a more integral part of my daily life. I don't think I will read the Psalms the same way again.

*Bonus for the biblical studies geek:
How To Read the Bible As Literature...and get more out of it, by Leland Ryken
Written by an English professor from Wheaton College, this is a book for improving your methods of hermeneutics and Bible study. In other words, this book will help you understand the Bible better.

For the geek with a lot of heart:
Kisses From Katie (A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption), by Katie Davis
Katie left behind her family, home, college, boyfriend...and moved to Uganda. She is a foster mother to over a dozen girls and she started an organization that sponsors hundreds of children to be able to go to school. Her life and love for God is incredible. This book will challenge you to live for something greater.

For the geek who wants to change the world:
Courageous Compassion (Confronting Social Injustice God's Way), by Beth Grant
Eye-opening, convicting, and profound. Drawing on her experience with starting Project Rescue, an organization that helps bring people out of human-trafficking, Grant gives insight into a very real darkness in the world and what needs to happen. The wisdom she shares is informative, practical, and Spirit-filled. She delves far deeper than quick fixes and helps the reader think long and thoroughly.

For the literature geek:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling
I know, I know. After mentioning numerous Christian books, this is probably not the path you were expecting me to take. But before you cry, "Anathema!" and declare that I have turned from God and gone over to the dark side, keep reading. My all time favorite books are C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, but the Harry Potter books are now a close second. The Christian themes in The Deathly Hallows are unmistakeable. These themes can be seen in the movies, but they are much more pronounced and blatant in the books. In fact, two Bible passages - Matthew 6:21 and 1 Corinthians 15:26 - are quoted and have an important place in this book. Rowling has been recorded saying, "I think those two particular quotations he finds on the tombstones at Godric's Hallow, they sum up - they almost epitomize the whole series." The only thing is, to get to The Deathly Hallows, the last in the series, you have to read the six books that come before it in order for it to make sense. But if you are willing to take the time, Rowling's gripping storytelling makes it well worth it.

Merry Christmas!

This is my third Christmas with lupus. Life has turned out very differently from how I envisioned it, but I am loving the journey. 

This year, we decided we would open presents on Christmas Eve. I love opening presents with family. I love the tired feeling from all the laughter and telling stories. I love the mess all over the living room after the presents are opened. I love the moments when we can just be together.

So whatever life has handed you, I pray this holiday season will be full of beautiful music, new memories, and extra moments to spend with those you love most dearly.

Merry Christmas!

Courage (Reprise)

I'm going through a season of courage. It's not as great as it sounds. In fact, I don't feel courageous at all. I choose to be. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes courage feels just plain awful.

Lupus gives me a lot of opportunities to be courageous. Sometimes, I don't want to be. Sometimes, I wish I could just hide from the world. Sometimes I wish I could pretend that I don't have lupus and that my life was like how it was before. But that would be a lie. I do have lupus. This isn't life before lupus. This is life with lupus. And I choose courage because I don't want a pretend life. I want a real life. 

And that's what I'm dealing with right now. I've chosen to not just survive, but to live. Right now, my life is very hard and full of hard decisions. But I don't regret doing what is hard because I know that in the end, it will be worth it. I've learned to see past this moment. Past today. I've learned to see long. To see what matters most. I don't want to wake up twenty years from now and mourn what could have been. So I make hard choices. On some days, I mourn the life I used to have. Some days end in tears. But, it's okay because everyday,  I live. And twenty years from now, I will look back on today - pain and all - and know that it was worth it.

Courage

Courage is never easy. If it was, it wouldn't be courage.

Courage is hard.

Sometimes, courage means facing your fears. Sometimes it means choosing to try again.

Sometimes it means doing the right thing. Other times, it means admitting you were wrong.

There are times when courage means doing something alone. And there are other times when courage means being together.

Sometimes, courage means being honest, or different, or ordinary. And sometimes courage means having dedication or perseverance.

Sometimes it means being silent. Other times, it means using your voice or helping others find theirs.

I am learning that sometimes courage is being strong in ways others consider to be weak, or even admitting you are weak when you can no longer be strong.

Sometimes courage means saying words like,
     "I'm sorry," 
          "I forgive you," 
               or even, "I love you."

Sometimes courage is beautiful. Other times, messy.

Usually, courage is invisible. You can't always see when someone has courage. You usually just see whatever comes after courage - and that's the stuff people want. The stuff that comes after courage. But they want it the "easy way." There is no easy way. Not if you want to live. I mean, really live.

And that's what I want. I don't just want the stuff that comes after courage. And I don't want easy. Easy isn't worth it. I want a life that is full. I want a life that means something. I want a life that is lived courageously.