I was physically and mentally exhausted from an over-packed life that just kept going and going...So we went to a monastery. That's right. A monastery. With monks. I love going there. It's a quiet place. You don't have to take a vow of silence when you are a guest there. People often talk a bit during the meals and in the public areas. But there is a freedom from the constant noise that is impossible to escape in daily life. My husband and I each stay in our own room with a bed, chest of drawers, reading chair, and writing desk - everything you need for a spiritual retreat and nothing more. (There is a bathroom too...It's not that bare!) Bells ring throughout the monastery to signify the monks' prayer times and services (the first rings at about 3:30 a.m.) and there is a schedule for meals (prepared by the monks), but you have the freedom to follow your own schedule. I went with an agenda: Seek God and listen to His voice. It was a simple agenda, but not an easy one. In that quiet room, there was no hiding from God, no piece of my heart that was left unchallenged. It was a journey--the kind that once you go on it, there's no going back to the way things were.
I had a few supplies to help me:
- a study Bible
- a very thick journal and a lot of pens
- a book: Anything, by Jennie Allen
- another book: something by Kierkegaard (which didn't get read at the monastery at all)
- The Book of Common Prayer (I am not Anglican, but sometimes I like to use this book as a tool to help me pray when I can't find the words on my own.)
What follows (in this and the next couple blog posts) are excerpts from my journal. (I filled over 15 pages in less than 3 days.) This is not a researched, theological treatise or a display of spiritual strength. These words are raw and many were written through tears and deep emotions. I left out the parts that I feel are just between me and God, but I wanted to give you an opportunity to be a part of my journey, to learn some of the lessons I learned, and ask some of the questions I asked.
DAY ONE
We just arrived here. I quickly ate lunch and felt awkward in the silence. It will take a while for my soul to slow down and find rest in the quiet...
Today's Agenda:
- Pray the Daily Devotions from the Book of Common Prayer.
- Read the Bible.
- Read Anything.
- Quiet my mind so I can hear from God.
1:05 pm.
I have no words to pray. This is embarrassing to me. I am so mentally worn out that no words come. Yet I know that God hears what I cannot say and knows what I am too numb to feel.
1:31 pm.
God, I will do anything...
3:49 pm.
...I want to let go of everything that is keeping me from God and completely live for Him. I want to know Him intimately. Not like my "glory days" back in high school or college. I want to know Him now--as a 32-year-old and everything that entails. I want a life that is marked by His presence. I want God.
4:32 pm.
Doing many things does not compensate for pursuing your One Thing.
8:04 pm.
Today, I am making a decision to surrender everything to God and committing to do ANYTHING for Him. Anything. I have absolutely no idea what "anything" is. No idea what lays ahead. God hasn't told me yet. I'm choosing to be obedient. Completely obedient with no hesitation.
8:25 pm.
What is the "anything" God wants me to do for Him? I am stepping into the unknown. I am starting to feel comfortable in the silence. Time to start asking God some dangerous questions...
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This is the first in a series. You can read more here, here, and here.
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