Today's Agenda:
1. Ask God dangerous questions.
2. Book of Common Prayer Daily Devotions (breakfast, lunch, dinner, end of day).
3. Read the Bible.
4. Read Anything.
7:26 am.
Simplify. This word has been stuck in my head for many weeks (months?). This morning, I felt led to do it. I simplified my agenda - both from what I expected of myself to accomplish here before I came and from what I scribbled in a tiny notepad last night. But I won't get as much done...on paper. Maybe God will be able to accomplish much more in me. This practical call to simplify goes beyond my time here. This morning, even before breakfast, I wrote another note in my tiny notebook. I will give God the 2 days after I return home in which I will read nothing except His Word. I will not completely return yet because God will not be finished speaking to me when I leave this place. I am walking into the mystery. I am becoming the person God made me to be.
8:08 am.
The drive for productivity is not equivalent to obedience to God moment by moment. With lupus, there are so many times when my body doesn't allow me to get things done (I feel unproductive), so when I am feeling well (or at least better than not well) I try to compensate by being extremely productive. I daily judge myself based on my productivity. How productive am I being today? This is not the path God wants for me (us) to take. I should daily judge myself based on my obedience to God. Have I taken the time to hear God's voice and have I completely walked in obedience to Him? It isn't that God doesn't want me to be productive. He does. But His call is for obedience. And when I am completely obedient to Him, then I am the most productive for His Kingdom.
8:58 am.
There is a freedom in solitude and simplicity. Here, I can be free from the chains of want, of noise, of wastefulness, of comparison, of busy-ness. I can focus on God untethered here. How can I take this freedom with me when I reenter society?
9:10 am.
...and complaining. This place is free of complaining. I am content here. Content and thankful.
9:49 am.
Anything...
...God, is there anything You want me to give up or anything You want me to start doing?...
...God, I will do anything. I will...[This is one of those places where the words are between me and God and NOT me, God, and the internet]
...I will stop giving You snippets of my day and start spending extravagant time with You.
10:51 am.
I am realizing that in this place, God isn't trying to tell me to "do something." He is completely changing me. When I return home, I won't just be someone with a task from God. I will be a different person.
11:16 am.
Anything...Live for God's glory:
- Blog for God's glory.
- Pray for my husband for God's glory.
- Play piano for God's glory.
- Teach for God's glory.
- Clean for God's glory?
- Love people (and show them love) for God's glory.
[This prayer and commitment to do anything got very real. Very painful. Very difficult. A lot of tears. A lot of words that will stay in my journal.]
1:16 pm.
I choose to live for things I cannot see yet.
I don't want to miss anything God has for me.
2:15 pm.
Dangerous question: God, where do You want to take my plenty and pour it out? I will do anything.
6:20 pm.
In this simple quiet place, I can hear from God and experience rest...I am not perfect here, but I am closer to God. I want to bring this with me. To have moments--no matter where I am--when I can enter this simple, quiet place where I can encounter the glory of God. A different reality. A more real reality.
7:40 pm.
The sun is starting to set, the bell for the compline just rang, and I am feeling sad that this is my last night here. My heart is not ready to go back. I don't want to lose what I have here. I'm scared I will go back and forget. God, please don't let me forget! Please don't let me go back. Please make this change stick. Please work a miracle! Please don't let me go back to my old ways. Please make me different. Completely different from the inside out. Full of Your glory. Full of Your power. Full of You. Take my fear. Take my mess. Take my inadequacies. Take all of me and turn me into something new. Something beautiful. Something that radiates your glory.
selah.
Amen.
8:08 pm.
Oh, the transformation--the journey--from yesterday to today! I came empty. Now I am full to overflowing. I came wanting to quit everything. ("I quit" became my motto the last few months.) Now I feel like I'm about to embark on an adventure into the unknown. I came feeling spent. Now I feel ready to give again. This is the reward for spending extravagant time with God. When you give extravagantly to God (however meager that is), He will give extravagantly to you (How limitless that is!).
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