When I'm teaching, I look like I'm full of energy. I pour my whole heart into it because I believe in my students and I believe in the subject matter. My students think I'm
an extrovert. They have no idea that I'm an introvert (and that lupus has made me even more so), that I spend so
much time alone in my office so that I'll have strength to teach my next
class, that at the end of the day my body shuts down. Everyday is hard. Some days are excruciating pain. But I love it! I
love that I have something in my life that is worth every ounce of my
energy. Something worth waking up for. Something worth feeling tired
for. Something worth giving my all.
And that's a tiny little piece of what Good Friday is about. The incredible idea that we were worth it.
It was now about the sixth hour, and there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour, while the sun's light failed. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" And having said this he breathed his last. (from the account of Jesus' death in the Gospel of Luke)
Friday, March 29, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Lessons From The Monastery
Last weekend, my husband and I went to a monastery for a few days to get away from the noise of the world and find some solitude. When we first arrived, I had a hard time slowing down. I'm so used to packed schedules and never ending to-do lists. It took the entire first night to get all the hustle and bustle out of my system. Even when I was reading my Bible that night, I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I rushing?" I learned that night that I need to give myself more space to breathe, to think, to listen.
When I woke up the second day, I was ready for the slower pace. I did a lot of praying, reading, and thinking between my meals. I was even able to go on a little hike and take a nap. I learned that an hour of prayer can go by so fast when you are praying for things and people you care about. I learned that every moment of my day doesn't have to be filled with stuff, that God has a way of speaking to us and refreshing us in the spaces. I learned that a boring moment isn't necessarily unproductive - filling boring moments with useless things is. I learned that a state of rest can be extremely difficult to enter into and way too easy to get out of. I learned that there's too much unnecessary noise in my life that is robbing me of some of the things I want most. I learned the power of intentionality in spending extravagant time with God. It goes against the grain of the busyness of our society, yet it propels us to a greater level of productivity and effectiveness that all of our busyness could never attain. It is the extravagance of time that allows us to experience greater depth.
When I woke up the second day, I was ready for the slower pace. I did a lot of praying, reading, and thinking between my meals. I was even able to go on a little hike and take a nap. I learned that an hour of prayer can go by so fast when you are praying for things and people you care about. I learned that every moment of my day doesn't have to be filled with stuff, that God has a way of speaking to us and refreshing us in the spaces. I learned that a boring moment isn't necessarily unproductive - filling boring moments with useless things is. I learned that a state of rest can be extremely difficult to enter into and way too easy to get out of. I learned that there's too much unnecessary noise in my life that is robbing me of some of the things I want most. I learned the power of intentionality in spending extravagant time with God. It goes against the grain of the busyness of our society, yet it propels us to a greater level of productivity and effectiveness that all of our busyness could never attain. It is the extravagance of time that allows us to experience greater depth.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
How To Pray For Someone With A Chronic Illness
I have been tremendously blessed with a community of people all over the world who have been praying for me. I'm thankful for people who believe that God is powerful and can heal, people who hold me up in prayer when I'm feeling weak and am in urgent need. If you are one of these people, thank you so much!
There was a time when sickness took over my life and everything stopped. When I was in so much pain and could not move. When the only productive thing I could do in a day was pray in bed. Even holding a book to read was not an option. That is not my life anymore. Since I've started treatment, my mobility has returned. And though I'm still getting adjusted to living day-to-day with a different set of challenges and needs, life has found routine again.
What many people don't realize is, though important, healing from lupus is not my greatest concern. At the moment, it is not my most pressing need. There are so many things (aside from lupus) that are heavy on my heart:
So, how do you pray for someone living with a chronic illness? Pray for healing, strength, encouragement, and peace (for them and for the family members who take care of them). But don't stop there because their life is not just sickness. Their life is so much more.
There was a time when sickness took over my life and everything stopped. When I was in so much pain and could not move. When the only productive thing I could do in a day was pray in bed. Even holding a book to read was not an option. That is not my life anymore. Since I've started treatment, my mobility has returned. And though I'm still getting adjusted to living day-to-day with a different set of challenges and needs, life has found routine again.
What many people don't realize is, though important, healing from lupus is not my greatest concern. At the moment, it is not my most pressing need. There are so many things (aside from lupus) that are heavy on my heart:
- This semester, I'm teaching a lot of classes and piano students at the Bible college where I did my undergrad. I want to do well, to inspire, to impact the lives and future ministries of my students.
- Last year, my husband and I got out of debt! We were so excited and we had plans for our financial freedom (like taking a trip to Japan next summer). But piling medical bills, school bills (my husband is about to start his 2nd semester at seminary), and a little car crash have changed our financial situation. We know that some of our plans may need to be put on hold, but we don't intend on letting them go.
- I want to perform seriously again. After getting a master's degree in piano performance and having a summer filled with performing, lupus has been quite the interruption. I'm ready to start learning new music and prepare for another recital.
- Japan. Ever since we were in college, my husband and I have had a dream of moving to Japan to start a church. Before lupus, we took two years of Japanese language classes and we're up to a first or second grade level in our reading and speaking abilities. (Hey, first graders can do a whole lot!) This dream is still alive. We are still going. So much needs to take place for this to happen. We need a lot of miracles.
- I want my life to point people to God. On good days and bad days.
So, how do you pray for someone living with a chronic illness? Pray for healing, strength, encouragement, and peace (for them and for the family members who take care of them). But don't stop there because their life is not just sickness. Their life is so much more.
Monday, December 31, 2012
10 Of My Favorite Reads In 2012
I love to read. You will
never find me without at least one book in hand or in my way-too-heavy bag. I spent the first half of this year finishing grad school - drowning in textbooks and
research. By the time graduation came around, I was mentally
fried. And then there's all the reading I do for the classes I teach. So what kind of books does a nerdy girl read when she's desperate for a mental break?
The following list highlights the books I would read again and would love for the world to read. They are in the order in which I read them this year.
1. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I actually read this at the end of 2011, but I loved the collection of short stories so much that in 2012 I read two of Doyle's novels about everybody's favorite detective on Baker Street: A Study in Scarlet and The Sign of Four.
2. The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells
The time traveler transports himself to the year 802,701 and meets the Eloi people and the horrible Morlocks. Who doesn't love a dose of 19th century science fiction?
3. The Circle Maker: Praying Circles around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears, by Mark Batterson
So many times while reading this book, the words struck me so deeply that I had to put the book down to pray. This book inspires you to believe God for the impossible and to pray more. It is the perfect read for someone who is in a "prayer rut."
4. After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters, by N.T. Wright
N.T. Wright, a theologian often referred to as a modern-day C.S. Lewis, beautifully explores what it means to live a life of character. This book challenges you to reevaluate how you live your everyday life.
5. Understanding Language: A Guide For Beginning Students of Greek & Latin,
by Donald Fairbairn
Even though the focus of this book is the Greek and Latin languages, the first chapter - "Learning A Foreign Language: The Bad News and the Good News" - should be a must-read for anyone who wants to learn a foreign language. I love that Fairbairn delves into the "why" of how things are in the languages.
6. Silence, by Shusaku Endo
This is a historical novel of a Portuguese priest in 17th century Japan at the height of Christian persecution in Japan. The story is intense and thought-provoking as it explores a plethora of questions and issues concerning God, missions, and faith.
7. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
Austen's writing is so beautiful. I love being transported to a time of letter writing, home libraries, social balls, beautiful houses, walks in the park, and the pianoforte. It is a time of simpler worries, yet the conflicts are deep. This book is both intellectually stimulating and relaxing.
8. The Live Dead Journal: 30 Days of Prayer for Unreached Peoples, 30 Days of Challenge, Edited by Dick Brogden
I read this devotional when I was suffering intense pain the month before I was diagnosed with lupus. It was a time when it would have been so easy to focus on myself and lose hope. This book spurred me to live for God completely, to see outside of myself, and it prepared me for the day the doctor would call with the diagnosis. This book changed my life.
9. What To Listen For In Mozart, by Robert Harris
Written with the non-musician in mind, this book is very accessible. In simple language, Harris explains components of music and form while exploring how the events of Mozart's life are reflected in his music. He also provides questions to ask and things to look for while you're listening to the music of Mozart and Classical music in general.
10. Bonhoeffer, by Eric Metaxas
This biography has everything: theology, spies, conspiracy, Nazis, a love story, even some poetry. Metaxas takes a deep look into history and an amazing life, and at the same time causes you take a hard look into your own life and rethink so many things. In the last chapter, I had to fight tears.
The following list highlights the books I would read again and would love for the world to read. They are in the order in which I read them this year.
1. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I actually read this at the end of 2011, but I loved the collection of short stories so much that in 2012 I read two of Doyle's novels about everybody's favorite detective on Baker Street: A Study in Scarlet and The Sign of Four.
2. The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells
The time traveler transports himself to the year 802,701 and meets the Eloi people and the horrible Morlocks. Who doesn't love a dose of 19th century science fiction?
3. The Circle Maker: Praying Circles around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears, by Mark Batterson
So many times while reading this book, the words struck me so deeply that I had to put the book down to pray. This book inspires you to believe God for the impossible and to pray more. It is the perfect read for someone who is in a "prayer rut."
4. After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters, by N.T. Wright
N.T. Wright, a theologian often referred to as a modern-day C.S. Lewis, beautifully explores what it means to live a life of character. This book challenges you to reevaluate how you live your everyday life.
5. Understanding Language: A Guide For Beginning Students of Greek & Latin,
by Donald Fairbairn
Even though the focus of this book is the Greek and Latin languages, the first chapter - "Learning A Foreign Language: The Bad News and the Good News" - should be a must-read for anyone who wants to learn a foreign language. I love that Fairbairn delves into the "why" of how things are in the languages.
6. Silence, by Shusaku Endo
This is a historical novel of a Portuguese priest in 17th century Japan at the height of Christian persecution in Japan. The story is intense and thought-provoking as it explores a plethora of questions and issues concerning God, missions, and faith.
7. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
Austen's writing is so beautiful. I love being transported to a time of letter writing, home libraries, social balls, beautiful houses, walks in the park, and the pianoforte. It is a time of simpler worries, yet the conflicts are deep. This book is both intellectually stimulating and relaxing.
8. The Live Dead Journal: 30 Days of Prayer for Unreached Peoples, 30 Days of Challenge, Edited by Dick Brogden
I read this devotional when I was suffering intense pain the month before I was diagnosed with lupus. It was a time when it would have been so easy to focus on myself and lose hope. This book spurred me to live for God completely, to see outside of myself, and it prepared me for the day the doctor would call with the diagnosis. This book changed my life.
9. What To Listen For In Mozart, by Robert Harris
Written with the non-musician in mind, this book is very accessible. In simple language, Harris explains components of music and form while exploring how the events of Mozart's life are reflected in his music. He also provides questions to ask and things to look for while you're listening to the music of Mozart and Classical music in general.
10. Bonhoeffer, by Eric Metaxas
This biography has everything: theology, spies, conspiracy, Nazis, a love story, even some poetry. Metaxas takes a deep look into history and an amazing life, and at the same time causes you take a hard look into your own life and rethink so many things. In the last chapter, I had to fight tears.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Foreword
Welcome to my new adventure! Last May, I graduated with a Master of Music degree in piano performance, full of plans and dreams for my future: a summer full of performing, a position secured for me to teach music at the school where I did my undergrad, and long term plans to start a church in Japan. In early August, my dreams never felt more alive as I participated at an international piano festival in DC and played at the Kennedy Center. (It was one of the smaller stages, but hey, playing at the Kennedy Center is still playing at the Kennedy Center no matter which stage it is.) My life seemed perfectly on track...until everything changed.
After I came home from the festival, debilitating pain began to take over my body. I couldn't move my fingers. I could hardly walk. I became dependent on my husband for even the simplest tasks, like squeezing a tube of toothpaste. In October (two days after my 31st birthday) I received a call from the doctor informing me that I have systemic lupus. The journey leading to that moment and the journey following has been difficult.
My life isn't easy. Actually, it's very hard. Too often, if something is hard, we equate that with being bad. But hard does not always mean bad. Sometimes hard is just hard. The reality is my life is hard, but that doesn't mean it's bad. Even with lupus, my life is good.
This is not a blog about lupus. This is more. This is a glimpse into my adventure: the high and the low points, the exciting and the less than exciting moments, the times of grand revelations and of deep unanswered questions. This is the start of something new. Let's explore together!
After I came home from the festival, debilitating pain began to take over my body. I couldn't move my fingers. I could hardly walk. I became dependent on my husband for even the simplest tasks, like squeezing a tube of toothpaste. In October (two days after my 31st birthday) I received a call from the doctor informing me that I have systemic lupus. The journey leading to that moment and the journey following has been difficult.
My life isn't easy. Actually, it's very hard. Too often, if something is hard, we equate that with being bad. But hard does not always mean bad. Sometimes hard is just hard. The reality is my life is hard, but that doesn't mean it's bad. Even with lupus, my life is good.
This is not a blog about lupus. This is more. This is a glimpse into my adventure: the high and the low points, the exciting and the less than exciting moments, the times of grand revelations and of deep unanswered questions. This is the start of something new. Let's explore together!
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