A Special Anniversary

This is a very special day.  On this day last year--two days after my birthday--the doctor called to inform me that I have lupus.  On this day, my life changed and everything took on a whole new meaning.  Words and phrases such as joy, pain, love, support, strength, faith, passion, prayer, and hope hold much deeper meaning to me now.  Even words like routine and normal carry with them a beauty I never saw before.  I don't know if it's something that can be explained with words.  I think that maybe it's something that can only be felt in the depths of your being.  I think that's why I love being a musician.  I love being able to express things that are too deep for words to convey.

When people hear that I have lupus, they typically say, "I'm so sorry."  I understand their empathy, but I don't feel the sadness they express.  What I feel can be better described in what people typically say next: "If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't know you had lupus.  You're just so full of joy that it's hard to believe you're going through anything!"  But that's the thing.  I'm going through something.  Something very real and hard and painful.  That's my everyday.  Real.  Hard.  Painful.  So when I get out of bed in the morning without my husband's help, I have a reason to be excited for the day ahead of me.  When I play a piece on the piano that most pianists who are well can't play, I have a reason to feel like I'm more than a conqueror.  When I'm in church and able to stand alongside other worshipers and participate, I have a reason to thank God and say He is good.  When I'm struggling and my husband holds me at the end of a long day, I have a reason to fall more in love.  

So today is very precious to me.  Today I look back and reflect on a hard year...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  Why?  Because today is the anniversary of when I started to learn a new definition of what it means to live.