What Doing Less Accomplished

At the start of the year, I made a commitment to do less to accomplish more. It was scary at first. A part of me was afraid that I was following a lie—that doing less would not accomplish more as I had hoped. An even bigger part of me felt like I was being lazy or unproductive. But I have learned that having space in my life and getting the rest I need can be one of the most productive things I can do for myself and the people I love. Intentionally creating space and having rest does indeed make room for greater things.

So what exactly did I accomplish by doing less this year? Here's a glimpse:

1. I've done the dishes and laundry. This may sound silly, but for so long I didn't have any strength at all to do some basic things. I was so depleted from work that I had no strength left in the evenings or weekends to do anything. My husband had to do these things for me 100% of the time (on top of working full time and grad school). He still helps me a lot, but the burden is no longer completely on his shoulders. This may not seem like that big of a deal, but being able to contribute to doing the dishes and laundry has given us space to do better things...

2. Instead of spending all of my free time lying down in bed or on the couch in exhaustion, I've been able to enjoy life with my husband. (It also helps that he isn't exhausted from doing everything in the house.) We've gone out, explored bookstores, played board games, and had meaningful conversations. (If you can't tell, we're both introverts.) We did more exciting things too...like going to Disney World (which is a pretty big accomplishment when you have lupus).

3. This past semester, I did NOT dismiss any of piano students early so I could go throw up. This is an actual accomplishment? Yes, it is. Lupus has a way of making sudden, unexpected appearances. But it's amazing what a difference resting and taking care of your body can have. My lupus is still active and I still experience fatigue and aches and pains—I had a total of 4 cortisone injections this past semester alone—but lupus hasn't kept me from being present to my students. I can honestly look back at this past semester and be proud of what I gave in every lesson. (If you're one of my students, I'm sure you have your own opinions of how each lesson went. Let's just celebrate the good stuff right now.)

4. I've done things with friends. I couldn't do this last year. (Again, I had no strength.) And not being able to cultivate relationships left me feeling lonely and emotionally drained. (Even the most introverted people need relationships.) But this year, I've gone out for coffee, lunch, and even the movies with friends! I'm not exactly a social butterfly now, but the fact that I had a social life at all this year is a huge victory for me. After all, it's not all or nothing. It's better to have a limited social life than none at all.

5. I performed my first full piano recital since my lupus diagnosis. When I finished my Master's degree, I imagined that performing recitals would be a yearly thing, but lupus put that dream on hold...indefinitely. I don't know if this is something I'll do every single year, but it's such a good feeling to know that performing as a soloist is back on the table. My music-making days are not over yet.

6. I've started dreaming again. There are so many things that got pushed aside when lupus came into the picture. But this year, old dreams have been revived and new dreams have been born. Steps are being taken. Parts are moving. Big things are in the works. (I realize I'm being vague, but some things need time to develop and take some shape before sharing with the rest of the world.)

Even though I didn't cross off every item on my 2015 list of goals (such as learning Latin or songs on the ukulele), I love what doing less allowed me to accomplish this year. So as I look forward to the coming year, what is my theme/goal/resolution going to be?

Reprise: Continue to do less to accomplish more. 

I know, after this past year, my new theme isn't very original. I don't care. It's not that I can't think of something better. And it's definitely not that I don't feel like I made enough progress in 2015. It's that I feel like I'm just getting started. Of course, I want new adventures. But I'm at a point in my life when, in order to find new adventures, I need to go deeper and farther. I'm not scratching items off a list. I'm growing, transforming, becoming. 

So bring it on, 2016. I'm ready for you!

Facing A Reality of Too Much

After two weeks of traveling here and there and here and another there and here again...(whew!)...I have a couple of weeks before my work schedule comes back into full swing. Before you think, "Oh, how lucky for you," it's not as blissful as it seems. For the time being, when I am not occupied with my private piano studio, I am busy catching up on a to-do list that has become longer and longer from a life of overwork the past few years. I haven't just fallen behind on housework. (I haven't even finished setting up a couple of the rooms in the house we moved into a couple of years ago.) I've haven't just fallen behind on sleep. (Dark circles under my eyes are just now beginning to fade.) I've fallen behind on some things that matter most to me. It's not that I've forgotten about them or lived irresponsibly. It's not that I don't know how to manage my time.

I've had lupus for over two years. That's not that long. I've made a lot of changes in my life since my diagnosis. But if you look at my planner, aside from the multiple doctor appointments, you would have no idea that I have a chronic illness. On paper, I have lived a workaholic lifestyle. I looked ahead to these two weeks I have now and thought I could catch up in this time. I was wrong. Years of falling behind from pushing my body to the limit cannot be made up for in two weeks. This is my reality. So where do I go from here?

I will stop trying to live as though I don't have lupus. If I need more sleep, I will schedule time for sleep. If I get tired in the middle of a task, if I can put it down, I will put it down and rest. I will not let work be the reason I make unhealthy choices. If I allow my health to suffer, everything else in my life will suffer with it.

This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen. -Morning Prayer for use by a Sick Person from The Book of Common Prayer

I will not be "all or nothing." I am a perfectionist and I finish what I start. Sounds responsible, right? Nope. When I don't have enough "spoons" I tend to operate in two modes: I typically push my body past its limit and attempt to borrow spoons until there are no spoons left in the foreseeable future. When this happens, I enter the mode where I look at tasks and don't even begin. (If you are unfamiliar with spoon theory, feel free to google it. I don't have enough spoons to explain it right now.) I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. But I don't want to be anymore. So what if I have just one spoon I can spare? What if that means I can start something but leave it undone? Maybe I don't have to complete a task in a day. Maybe I should give myself permission to take five days to clean all my kitchen counters. Maybe I should start living with the realization that something is better than all-or-nothing.

I will not pack my schedule to the limit so I can fill it with the things that matter most to me. I recognize that this means I may will need to cut things out and say "no" more. I recognize that this may will disappoint some people. I also recognize that there are people in my life to whom I want to give more. And until I cut some things out, I will never be able to do that.

I will do less to accomplish more. 

Principles for Life's Many Pieces

This is a follow-up to a little piece I wrote last week about how I arrange the pieces of my life with lupus. (You can read it here.) I am full of dreams and a purpose to wake up every morning. Lupus didn't change that. But lupus did make my life harder. I can't leave anything to chance. I have to live on purpose. From the moment I wake up, I have to live intentionally and use whatever strength and time I have wisely. So what does living on purpose look like?

Pick a system that works best for you...
...not necessarily what works best for someone else. People use to make fun of me. Ok, they still do. Especially since I'm a pen and paper person. Not a calendar-on-my-smartphone person. Whenever I pull out my planner, people say things like, "I can't believe you have an old school calendar with paper! You're so behind!" But I'm not. When I have a task to accomplish (or two or a few dozen), I stay ahead and rarely get behind. And even when I get behind, I know exactly what I need to do to get back on track. The people in my life know they can always depend on me no matter what life brings my way. It works for me and it works for the people who depend on me. And when life changes, my system changes. Do what works for you. It's your life. You're the one who has to manage it.

Be realistic about goals and deadlines. 
Give yourself deadlines. It can be really hard to motivate yourself to get something done if you don't have a deadline. As much as possible, create weekly deadlines, not daily deadlines. You never know what kind of emergency a day will hold, so weekly deadlines allow for some margin in life. Just make sure to not procrastinate until the end of the week! This brings me to my next point...

Don't assume you will have time to complete something "later."
Don't procrastinate because "later" may not come. If you have time and energy to do it now, do it now. I recently had a flare because I forgot to take my meds. It's rare that I forget, but it happens. The good thing is that I didn't have anything pressing because I was diligent to work hard in the beginning of my week. So when the flare came, I had the freedom to spend a day on the couch. If I had procrastinated, I would have had to choose between neglecting my business and getting the rest I need or taking care of my business and hurting my body. Because I didn't procrastinate, that is not a choice I needed to make and I was even able to participate in a couple of social events over the weekend.

Note: If you don't have time to complete what you wanted when you wanted, don't just put it off for an unspecified "later"  or beat yourself up with guilt. Neither of those options is productive. Instead, get proactive AND give yourself grace. Make the adjustments necessary to get it done. Readjust and figure out when you can do it.

Prioritize what is important. 
When I'm having a lupus flare, sometimes dishes and laundry need to take a back seat to family time. Sometimes one project must give way for another project. Sometimes one dream must temporarily give way for a bigger dream. When I'm so sick and in need of some extra rest, I can often talk to my boss and ask, "What do you need me here for the most? What can I miss without causing the group to suffer?" When I ask questions like this, my superiors have the assurance that I won't drop the ball on what needs to happen, and I have the assurance that I am not putting my well-being on the line for my job.

Plan for imperfection, flares, rough days, emergencies, etc.
If you plan for a life that is always smooth, always perfect, always easy, then you are planning for something that isn't real and setting yourself up for discouragement. Life is messy and unpredictable. Expect it to be.

Create momentum.
When you feel overwhelmed, start with small tasks to get a feeling of accomplishment and create momentum. Some people like the opposite method: Complete the largest tasks first so the remaining tasks seem less daunting. Either way, start with something and shrink your to-do list.

Pray. 
People tell me that I am so strong and full of energy. I'm not. Lupus makes me weak. Very weak. I feel like a walking billboard for the passage in the Bible where God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," and the apostle Paul said, "For when I am weak, then I am strong," (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). So when my body hurts so much that I don't see how I can possibly get out of bed, I pray. When I am overwhelmed with a to-do list that is ever growing or a task that is way bigger than me, I pray. When I am terrified that I may fail (or feel like I am in the midst of failing), I pray. When I am overwhelmed and feel like I am drowning, I pray. And I have never regretted a single prayer. This can seem like it's too simplistic, like a waste of time, even completely unrelated. But for me, prayer is the most important thing I can do all day. So what kind of things can you pray for? Pray for God to lead your steps, even when the way seems dark. Pray for God to help you be productive and efficient as you begin each task. Pray for the ability to accomplish what needs to be done. Pray for strength, for resources, for joy.

These are practices and principles I chose to live by even before I had lupus. And honestly, I don't think it would be possible for me to accomplish anything today if I didn't choose to live this way. It's not something I decided on a whim and mastered in a day. It was a long process that took years. And I'm still learning and messing up. But I'm a lot farther along than when I started. So I would encourage you to start the process of arranging the pieces of your life. You'll have days that feel like wins and days that feel like failures. But don't give up. You have one life. Live it on purpose.

Arranging the Pieces of My Life...with Lupus

Living a full life is hard work. Living a full life with a chronic illness is harder work. At any moment, I can have a flare and my body (and mind) can shut down. For the past couple of years, I've worked two to three jobs at a time...while sharing a car with my husband in a town where public transportation is not practical. And lupus adds a special sprinkling downpour of complicated to my life. I love what I do. My body doesn't. When I make a commitment, I don't know what kind of obstacles or surprises I will have. And I always have them. Last fall, I had surgery. In the spring, I got very sick (being surrounded by high schoolers does not bode well when you're taking immunosuppresives during flu season). So how do I stay on top of my life when so many people are depending on me but my body is so unpredictable?

I am a time organizing queen. That's right. I'm a queen. Or maybe not. I forget.

I organize like crazy. I view every item on my to-do list, every responsibility, and every appointment as a puzzle piece. My life has a lot of pieces. Too many pieces. And the pieces don't arrange themselves. They must be arranged deliberately. So how can you arrange the pieces of your life? Here's how to start:

Before the week begins, decide and write down what you want to accomplish by the end of the week. This means you have to know what your priorities are and what's most important to you. If you aren't sure, there are a lot of wonderful resources out there. Maybe I can blog about it. But that's not on my list of priorities this week, so I'll save it for another time. (See what I did there?)

Next, using your planner/calendar, decide when the best times to accomplish those tasks are. If you're doing this on paper, use pencil because you may have to rearrange later. Feel free to rearrange as the week progresses. Some days and weeks are harder than others, so give yourself a lot of grace. If you have to rearrange again and again because your body is struggling or life got complicated, that's ok. You'll probably still accomplish more than if you didn't plan at all. Something is better far better than nothing!

When possible, try to group "puzzle pieces" according to categories for productivity. If you have multiple tasks that require you to drive to a certain part of town, plan to do those things in one day so that you're not making multiple trips. If you have multiple tasks that require use of your computer, try to accomplish as many of those tasks as possible in one sitting. When you have limited time and energy, the key is to figure out a way to work as efficiently as possible. 

Don't evenly distribute tasks throughout the week. Put a heavier load in the beginning of the week so that you have more room to work with later when unexpected things come up throughout the week. Procrastination is one of my worst enemies. If something is truly important to me, procrastination can steal it from me. So I don't usually push things back unless I have a really good reason like I'm in the hospital or my arms won't move. It happens. It happened.

Leave time later on for make up work. If that time ends up being open, you can get extra rest (Yay!) or get ahead on work for the next week.

Don't budget time minute-by-minute. 
Budget time according to segments in the day.
     Examples:
     morning, afternoon, evening
     before classes, after classes, after work
This is for tasks (such as doing the dishes or working on a project), not appointments or events (which have a set start time or schedule). I used to organize my time minute-by-minute, but it was impossible to maintain, the rigidity made me feel pressured, and I ended each day feeling inadequate. On the other hand, when I think in terms of segments in the day, it's easier for me to wrap my head around all that needs to be done and I can be more flexible for whatever life may throw at me.

Budget time for rest. You will be more productive, efficient, and creative when you are well-rested. I know my body well enough to know that when I fill up an entire week with activity, I will be unable to work the next. So I actually write "Rest" in my calendar. Each week, I make sure I have at least one chunk of time dedicated to rest. And if someone asks me to do something during that time, I say, "I'm sorry. This is the only time this week I can rest. And if I don't, I won't be able to work next week. Is there another time or day that will work?" You don't even have to tell people that you're resting. You can simply say, "I already have something scheduled at that time."

May all your puzzle pieces fit a little better and may your life be a little fuller!