How To Encourage Someone With A Chronic Illness (part 2)

I'm doing a series on how to encourage someone with a chronic illness. (You can read part one here.) Part one laid down the foundation. Today, I want to give some cautionary tips. Being an encouragement is just as much about not doing wrong things as it is about doing good things. Before you read on, I just want you to know that it was extremely difficult to write this without sounding jaded. I certainly hope that I'm not. But in the two and a half years I have had lupus, I have been hurt by many well-meaning people trying to encourage me. It is not my intention to blame anyone. It is my intention to equip those of you who have a genuine desire to be an encouragement.

So allow me a moment to give you a glimpse into the world of someone who lives with a chronic illness: It has taken a lot of intentional work to protect myself from becoming jaded. In fact, when I was newly diagnosed and started googling lupus, I was overwhelmed by the vast number of people with chronic illnesses who are jaded, angry, and bitter. And I made a decision from the very beginning that jaded, angry, and bitter would never become words that would describe me. And that is why I started blogging. I want to be a voice of encouragement and joy in the midst of all the negativity and hurt. And if you're reading this, I'm guessing that you want to do that, too.

So, let's build on our foundation:

4. Consider the gravity of your words before you speak or type.

Words are powerful. They can bring hope, strengthen faith, and breathe life. They can also bring discouragement, condemnation, and unnecessary guilt...even when the speaker means well. I'm sure you know the saying, "It's the thought that counts." It's typically used in reference to gift-giving. But it applies to words of encouragement as well. Too many people try to be the voice of encouragement without putting any thought to it. A person living with a chronic illness doesn't need hollow or impulsive words. It's the thought that counts! So, think before you speak (or type). And when the thoughts come, take a moment to consider them. The first thoughts that come to your mind may not be the best for the moment. Don't underestimate the power of words that have been carefully considered!

Now, if you can't think of anything to say that seems appropriate, remember that foolish words are not better than silence. If you feel like you really need to say something but all the words you can think of seem inadequate, something as honest as, "I'm sorry I don't have any good words," can be encouragement enough. Sometimes, words aren't necessary. Sometimes, just knowing that someone wants to encourage me is exactly what I need in the moment. The important thing is not that you had a chance to have your say. The important thing is the kind of mark you leave on the person. Have you left an imprint of encouragement or a wound they must now recover from? 

Sometimes, to better consider our words, it helps to use pen and paper to write a letter. It doesn't have to be fancy or in any formal letter form. It just needs to be thought out and considered slowly. If you're not used to writing letters, maybe write a first draft so you can look over it and make edits before you write a final copy. Even if you don't ever give your letter to the person but just use it to organize your thoughts, there's something about actually writing out your words by hand that makes you more selective with your words. It empowers you to craft them well instead of spewing impulsively. And if you do choose to give it to the person, letters or cards have the benefit of longevity. I love to keep letters and cards that have spoken to me in a special way so I can go back to them when I'm having hard days. Months or even years later, they continue to be an encouragement to me. It doesn't even have to have a lot of words...It's the thought that counts! 

For my Christian readers, I have one last thing to say on considering the gravity of your words: This applies even when the thoughts that come to your mind are words from the Bible or Christian phrases. Statements like, "You don't have enough faith," or "Are you sure there aren't any sins that you need to repent of?" do more to cause hurt than actually draw me closer to God. Don't hide your faith, but be wise in the way you present it. Sometimes the most hurtful words I have received have been laced with scripture or Christian phrases in a way that was insensitive, pushy, or just plain wrong. I'm not saying that the Bible is not a source of encouragement. I have found much encouragement from God's Word both in my private reading and from reminders from others. I am also not saying that every use of Scripture should make me "feel good." But it should always be used carefully. It should never be used to tear someone down, as a means to show how "good" you are, in a nagging fashion, or like an "incantation" to be tossed in the sick person's direction (as though repeatedly typing a scripture reference or a Christian phrase in the comments of someone's Facebook posts will "fix" them). God's word is precious. May we never use it in ways He did not intend, and instead, learn to handle it carefully in a way that draws people to Him!

5. Be slow to give medical advice. Be slow to give advice. Period.

I have a team of doctors I see regularly. They know the results of my latest lab tests and they keep tabs on all my medications and supplements. Treatment for lupus can be delicate. I can't go on a "treatment trying spree." Every change I make requires close monitoring. It is a lot of work. It is tiring. Sometimes, trying something new - even stuff that is all natural - leads to no (or bad) results, added discouragement, money lost, and a heightened hesitancy to try something else. So don't be offended if I don't show enthusiasm for every wellness idea every person gives me. When someone says to me, "I read on the internet that...," on the inside, I'm screaming, "Do you really think you've done more research on my chronic illness than me and my doctors?" I'm not saying that all medical advice is unwelcome. I'm just saying that you need to be slow to give it.

People with chronic illnesses are inundated with advice. All the time. It doesn't stop. Ever. Sometimes Usually, it's just too much. The sheer volume of advice can be overwhelming. For numerous would-be encouragers, when they see someone going through something tough, their knee-jerk reaction is to give as much advice as possible. They want to help. This may come from a very loving, well-meaning desire, but not necessarily a wise or healthy one. The main desire of the encourager should be to encourage, not to "fix the sick person." Personally, I have been left discouraged by people who have trampled over me in their mission to "fix" me. This is not loving. Think about this: If you're giving me advice, chances are, you are one among the many that day who felt they had great advice or the perfect cure. So if you don't know me very well, and you just start rambling all your helpful tips, it's likely that I've heard them all before. And if you're not careful, your words may feel like extra burdens heaped onto my already burdened shoulders. I know that you are just trying to help. But sometimes what is meant as help is just a shot of discouragement that leaves a harsh sting. 

So when should you give advice to someone with a chronic illness? This is where considering the gravity of your words and being slow to give advice come together. There's no perfect science to this. In general, if the person isn't out right asking you for it, I would be hesitant to give advice until I got to know them a bit and took some time to listen first. (I talk more about this here.) Again, I'm not saying all advice is unwelcome, but be slow to give it. And when you do, consider the gravity of your words.

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I am not trying to take the stance of an expert or definitive authority on this subject. I'm still learning. And I hope that what I write will open up dialogue. So if you have any questions or some insights to share, feel free to leave a comment. :)