Ten Looks at Christ

I recently started a new journey in my walk with God. I decided to get a Give Me Jesus journal from Life Lived Beautifully. (You can check it out the one I got here. There is also a men's/unisex version here.) The journal is designed to bring structure to your "quiet time" with God. I'm a very organized person, but when I spend time alone with God, I feel scattered. As much as I want to give God my focus, it is a struggle. So when I saw this journal, I was on board. The first few pages has introspective questions to fill out to and gives you some guidance for how to go about having a daily time with God. I've been a Christian since I was little and even went to Bible college, so I thought that filling out these questions would be a piece of cake. But they made me really evaluate where I am - where I truly am in my relationship with God. There was one page in particular that really struck me...

Based on a a saying by Robert McCheyne ("For every look at self, take ten looks at Christ!), this particular page gave a challenge:

"We must redirect our gaze to Jesus throughout the day. Take time to write down your 'ten looks' you will take at Jesus." 

When I read these words, I felt my breath stop for a moment. Write down the ten looks I will take at Jesus? I know the things He said, things He did, and how the Bible says to live. But do I know Jesus well enough that I can articulate ten things about Him that I can look at? Off the top of my head, I drew a blank. I was overwhelmed and at a loss. So I sat for a while in the realization that after so many years of living for God, I knew much about what He had done for me, but I did not know as much about HIM as I had thought. I began to flip through my Bible and look at passages that I had highlighted, searching for glimpses of Jesus...

1.  "...Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm...even the winds and the sea obey him..." (Matthew 8:26-27)

2. "...But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

3. "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as the only son from the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)

4. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

5. "He is the image of the invisible God..." (Colossians 1:15)

6. "And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." (Colossians1:17)

7. "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God." (Colossians 3:1)

8. "He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power." (Hebrews 1:3)

9. "the founder and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2)

10. Great and amazing are your deeds, O Lord God the Almighty! Just and true are your ways, O King of the nations!...You alone are holy..." (Revelation 15:3-4)

I keep this journal on my nightstand open to this page (with my phone far away, charging in the living room). So in the morning when my alarm clock goes off, before I have had time to dwell on the pain and stiffness that lupus brought my body through the night, before I start counting the items on my to-do list, and before social media has flooded my mind with so many useless and dramatic things, I grab this journal and take ten looks at Christ.

God's Music

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of thunder, with a Faure nocturne and lyrics in my head: 

"...I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed."

I am curled on my couch - not from a lupus flare for once - so I can soak in all of the beautiful sounds that are surrounding my house and swimming in my head. I am awestruck by the beauty of this space. The power of the thunder accompanied by millions of droplets. Crescendos and diminuendos. Melody and percussion. Moments of great fury and other moments of rest.

God is playing a symphony in the sky. And in my heart - I dare not speak out loud lest I disrupt His performance - I whisper, "Bravo, God. Bravo."

Prayers for Sleep

I am presently typing away in the wee hours of the morning. I have insomnia.

Last night, after dinner, I informed my husband that I had a headache and it was probably because I didn't have any coffee or tea that morning. I simply forgot. For me, caffeine headaches are no small thing. They often lead to migraines and a night of misery and uselessness. There is only one way to keep it from getting worse: drink a cup of coffee. So my husband lovingly made me a concoction of iced coffee with vanilla almond milk. It tasted wonderful. My headache is gone. And now I have insomnia. And my back hurts. Okay, the back pain is completely unrelated, but it is present nonetheless. And I have a feeling that even if I didn't have a cup of coffee swimming through my veins, the pain in my back would have been enough to keep me up.

Lupus leads to a vicious cycle: pain begets insomnia, which begets more pain, which begets more insomnia. This is not only true for those with lupus, but also for many who are battling chronic illness. At times, it can seem so cruel when sleep alludes those who feel they need it the most. It can be frustrating, discouraging, even lonely.

I have had many people tell me that they are praying for God to heal me. I appreciate those prayers and the love that motivates them. I hope those prayers continue. But can I be truly honest with you? Sometimes, Often times, I think I would prefer it if people would pray that I would have a good night's sleep. Of course, the two prayers are not mutually exclusive, but I am well aware that most people pray for the former and don't even consider the latter. I have learned that I can live a full life with lupus. It's not easy, but it is a full life. The thing is, we live one day at a time. And I have lost so many days because of the sleepless nights that preceded them.

So, for those of you who pray for your friends who need a healing touch from God, I would like to challenge you to not let your prayers end there. Pray for sleep. Pray for restful nights. And pray that when morning comes, they wake up feeling refreshed.

If you would like more ideas of how you can pray for someone with a chronic illness, you can find some here.

The Dreamer's Prayer

A little over a year ago, I wrote a prayer in my journal. It's a stubborn prayer. The kind of prayer you pray when you can't shake the God-sized dream you've been holding onto for years. Yesterday, I thought of that little prayer. God has been answering that prayer with invisible footsteps. There is still so much that is unknown, but some of God's footsteps are starting to look a little less invisible.

What would happen if we choose to never let go of our God-sized dreams? What if we choose to pray stubborn prayers? Could we change the world?

The Dreamer's Prayer

God,

Give us creative ideas and dreams, 

the resources and anointing to make those things reality,

and the favor to make them useful for Your Kingdom. 

Amen.

Anything

I began this summer by praying "God-I-will-do-anything prayers" in the quiet of a monastery. (You can read about that life-altering journey here, here, here, and here.) I have continued to pray these prayers throughout the summer with a completely open and willing heart. Anything has taken the shape of many small things: removing my cell phone from my bedroom, giving God extravagant time every morning, reading the Bible from beginning to end over the summer, and trusting God by obeying His quiet voice with no hesitation. But deep inside my heart, I have known that a day is coming when God will lead me to anything, and anything will not be so small. It will be huge. Crazy huge. At the start of this journey, my "anything prayers" were gut-wrenching. But as the summer progressed, these "anything prayers" have become less intense. Not because I mean them any less, but because they have become easier to pray. (It's amazing how easy it is to pray scary prayers and follow God into the unknown when you have already given yourself completely to Him and have nothing left to hold back.)

Yesterday, anything started to ache in my heart. Today, my heart is torn wide open and all I want is the anything God wants of me. The anything God wants me to do...that only I can do. I have no idea what lays ahead, but I feel like my life is being turned upside down...or right side up. I feel as though there are people who are praying for me who have no idea it's me they are praying for. They are praying for a problem, a seemingly impossible situation. And God, in His omniscience, is looking at me and saying, "Get ready. Anything is about to happen."

Principles for Life's Many Pieces

This is a follow-up to a little piece I wrote last week about how I arrange the pieces of my life with lupus. (You can read it here.) I am full of dreams and a purpose to wake up every morning. Lupus didn't change that. But lupus did make my life harder. I can't leave anything to chance. I have to live on purpose. From the moment I wake up, I have to live intentionally and use whatever strength and time I have wisely. So what does living on purpose look like?

Pick a system that works best for you...
...not necessarily what works best for someone else. People use to make fun of me. Ok, they still do. Especially since I'm a pen and paper person. Not a calendar-on-my-smartphone person. Whenever I pull out my planner, people say things like, "I can't believe you have an old school calendar with paper! You're so behind!" But I'm not. When I have a task to accomplish (or two or a few dozen), I stay ahead and rarely get behind. And even when I get behind, I know exactly what I need to do to get back on track. The people in my life know they can always depend on me no matter what life brings my way. It works for me and it works for the people who depend on me. And when life changes, my system changes. Do what works for you. It's your life. You're the one who has to manage it.

Be realistic about goals and deadlines. 
Give yourself deadlines. It can be really hard to motivate yourself to get something done if you don't have a deadline. As much as possible, create weekly deadlines, not daily deadlines. You never know what kind of emergency a day will hold, so weekly deadlines allow for some margin in life. Just make sure to not procrastinate until the end of the week! This brings me to my next point...

Don't assume you will have time to complete something "later."
Don't procrastinate because "later" may not come. If you have time and energy to do it now, do it now. I recently had a flare because I forgot to take my meds. It's rare that I forget, but it happens. The good thing is that I didn't have anything pressing because I was diligent to work hard in the beginning of my week. So when the flare came, I had the freedom to spend a day on the couch. If I had procrastinated, I would have had to choose between neglecting my business and getting the rest I need or taking care of my business and hurting my body. Because I didn't procrastinate, that is not a choice I needed to make and I was even able to participate in a couple of social events over the weekend.

Note: If you don't have time to complete what you wanted when you wanted, don't just put it off for an unspecified "later"  or beat yourself up with guilt. Neither of those options is productive. Instead, get proactive AND give yourself grace. Make the adjustments necessary to get it done. Readjust and figure out when you can do it.

Prioritize what is important. 
When I'm having a lupus flare, sometimes dishes and laundry need to take a back seat to family time. Sometimes one project must give way for another project. Sometimes one dream must temporarily give way for a bigger dream. When I'm so sick and in need of some extra rest, I can often talk to my boss and ask, "What do you need me here for the most? What can I miss without causing the group to suffer?" When I ask questions like this, my superiors have the assurance that I won't drop the ball on what needs to happen, and I have the assurance that I am not putting my well-being on the line for my job.

Plan for imperfection, flares, rough days, emergencies, etc.
If you plan for a life that is always smooth, always perfect, always easy, then you are planning for something that isn't real and setting yourself up for discouragement. Life is messy and unpredictable. Expect it to be.

Create momentum.
When you feel overwhelmed, start with small tasks to get a feeling of accomplishment and create momentum. Some people like the opposite method: Complete the largest tasks first so the remaining tasks seem less daunting. Either way, start with something and shrink your to-do list.

Pray. 
People tell me that I am so strong and full of energy. I'm not. Lupus makes me weak. Very weak. I feel like a walking billboard for the passage in the Bible where God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," and the apostle Paul said, "For when I am weak, then I am strong," (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). So when my body hurts so much that I don't see how I can possibly get out of bed, I pray. When I am overwhelmed with a to-do list that is ever growing or a task that is way bigger than me, I pray. When I am terrified that I may fail (or feel like I am in the midst of failing), I pray. When I am overwhelmed and feel like I am drowning, I pray. And I have never regretted a single prayer. This can seem like it's too simplistic, like a waste of time, even completely unrelated. But for me, prayer is the most important thing I can do all day. So what kind of things can you pray for? Pray for God to lead your steps, even when the way seems dark. Pray for God to help you be productive and efficient as you begin each task. Pray for the ability to accomplish what needs to be done. Pray for strength, for resources, for joy.

These are practices and principles I chose to live by even before I had lupus. And honestly, I don't think it would be possible for me to accomplish anything today if I didn't choose to live this way. It's not something I decided on a whim and mastered in a day. It was a long process that took years. And I'm still learning and messing up. But I'm a lot farther along than when I started. So I would encourage you to start the process of arranging the pieces of your life. You'll have days that feel like wins and days that feel like failures. But don't give up. You have one life. Live it on purpose.

Lessons From The Monastery

Last weekend, my husband and I went to a monastery for a few days to get away from the noise of the world and find some solitude. When we first arrived, I had a hard time slowing down. I'm so used to packed schedules and never ending to-do lists. It took the entire first night to get all the hustle and bustle out of my system. Even when I was reading my Bible that night, I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I rushing?" I learned that night that I need to give myself more space to breathe, to think, to listen.

When I woke up the second day, I was ready for the slower pace. I did a lot of praying, reading, and thinking between my meals. I was even able to go on a little hike and take a nap. I learned that an hour of prayer can go by so fast when you are praying for things and people you care about. I learned that every moment of my day doesn't have to be filled with stuff, that God has a way of speaking to us and refreshing us in the spaces. I learned that a boring moment isn't necessarily unproductive - filling boring moments with useless things is. I learned that a state of rest can be extremely difficult to enter into and way too easy to get out of. I learned that there's too much unnecessary noise in my life that is robbing me of some of the things I want most. I learned the power of intentionality in spending extravagant time with God. It goes against the grain of the busyness of our society, yet it propels us to a greater level of productivity and effectiveness that all of our busyness could never attain. It is the extravagance of time that allows us to experience greater depth.

How To Pray For Someone With A Chronic Illness

I have been tremendously blessed with a community of people all over the world who have been praying for me.  I'm thankful for people who believe that God is powerful and can heal, people who hold me up in prayer when I'm feeling weak and am in urgent need.  If you are one of these people, thank you so much!

There was a time when sickness took over my life and everything stopped.  When I was in so much pain and could not move.  When the only productive thing I could do in a day was pray in bed.  Even holding a book to read was not an option.  That is not my life anymore.  Since I've started treatment, my mobility has returned.  And though I'm still getting adjusted to living day-to-day with a different set of challenges and needs, life has found routine again.

What many people don't realize is, though important, healing from lupus is not my greatest concern.  At the moment, it is not my most pressing need.  There are so many things (aside from lupus) that are heavy on my heart:

• This semester, I'm teaching a lot of classes and piano students at the Bible college where I did my undergrad.  I want to do well, to inspire, to impact the lives and future ministries of my students.
• Last year, my husband and I got out of debt!  We were so excited and we had plans for our financial freedom (like taking a trip to Japan next summer).  But piling medical bills, school bills (my husband is about to start his 2nd semester at seminary), and a little car crash have changed our financial situation.  We know that some of our plans may need to be put on hold, but we don't intend on letting them go.
• I want to perform seriously again.  After getting a master's degree in piano performance and having a summer filled with performing, lupus has been quite the interruption.  I'm ready to start learning new music and prepare for another recital.
• Japan.  Ever since we were in college, my husband and I have had a dream of moving to Japan to start a church.  Before lupus, we took two years of Japanese language classes and we're up to a first or second grade level in our reading and speaking abilities.  (Hey, first graders can do a whole lot!)  This dream is still alive.  We are still going.  So much needs to take place for this to happen.  We need a lot of miracles.
• I want my life to point people to God.  On good days and bad days.

These are the things I want people to pray about for me.  Of course, I don't want people to stop praying about my battle with lupus because it has an effect on all of these things.  And looming in the back of my mind is the knowledge that in an instant, a lupus flare or complication can dramatically interrupt my life again.  But with or without lupus, there are more important things in my life.

So, how do you pray for someone living with a chronic illness?  Pray for healing, strength, encouragement, and peace (for them and for the family members who take care of them).  But don't stop there because their life is not just sickness.  Their life is so much more.