How To Encourage Someone With A Chronic Illness (part 1)

Some time ago, a friend asked me, "As a person with chronic illness, what is the best way to encourage you?"

I really appreciated this question. It showed genuine care. It showed an attitude that had my best interest in mind. I have experienced frustration and hurt by some well-meaning people who just didn't know what to say or who were insensitive in their crusade to fix me. I don't mean to sound negative. For every ill-chosen word, I have also received dozens of life-giving words. The sad thing is that it is so easy for the good words to slip from the mind and so difficult for the not-so-good words to un-stick. It can be a struggle to not let the not-so-good words leave me jaded.

The more I thought about my friend's question, the more I realized how hard it is to answer. It can't be answered well in one short conversation or one blog post. (Expect more to follow this one.) So for those of you who are wondering how you can encourage someone who lives with a chronic illness, here are a few things to get you started:

1. Listen. 
I mean, really listen. Sometimes, I just need to feel heard. In my work and relationships, I spend a lot of time investing in and listening to others. I need times when someone will listen to me as well. In fact, the people who have spoken the most life-giving words to me are the ones who listen far more than they speak. To be honest, I don't know how you can begin to know the right words to say if you haven't listened first. I would go so far as to suggest that you should not say (or type) anything until you have first taken the time to listen. (This can be hard in the world of social media and texting, but the difficulty makes the need for listening all the more crucial.)

Listening should always be the starting point. Without listening, it would be really hard to do the rest of the things in this list.

2. Show empathy.
...NOT pity. There are some people who, when they ask me how I'm doing, make a sad face and don't believe me when I say that things are going great. This is pity. It is far from encouraging. Pity makes me feel small, sad, and...pitiful. On the other hand, empathy makes me feel valued and cared for. Empathy is what we are doing when we "put ourselves in someone else's shoes." It is an awareness and understanding of someone else's experiences and emotions. (You can look at the dictionary definition here.) There's something about pity that leverages oneself and lowers the other person, while empathy involves humbling oneself and lifting up the other person. It is hard to articulate how pity and empathy differ in practice, but it is really easy to spot when someone is pitying you. So what makes the difference? Dignity. Empathy says that I am worth being understood. Pity takes away dignity and says that I am "less than."

Speaking of being understood...

3. Understand that my identity is much bigger than my illness. 
In other words, don't reduce my entire identity to my illness. Yes, ask me how I'm feeling. But also ask me about my work. Ask me about the books I'm reading. (I always have one in my purse.) Ask me which piano pieces I'm working on. Ask me about my summer plans. If you have no idea what's going on in my life, ask, "So, what's going on in your life?" This may surprise you, but I do want to talk about things aside from lupus! If you sit down and talk to me, you'll see that my life is much bigger than my struggles with illness. I have other things on my mind as well. I also have a lot to offer. I might even be able to offer you encouragement for something you're going through! But you'll never know if all you see when you look at me is a sick girl.

This applies to prayers as well. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says, "I'm praying for your complete healing," but they show no concern for anything else going on in my life. When someone does this, it makes me feel like the person thinks I have no value until I am completely healed of lupus. (It's that dignity thing again!) I know that it is probably not their intention to make me feel this way, and I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt even if they haven't done or said anything to prove otherwise. And I think that if you're reading this, you probably don't want to be someone to whom I have to choose to give the benefit of the doubt. You want to be an encourager. So, if you want to pray for me, don't just pray that God heals me and leave it at that. Pray for me to have strength for the day-to-day. (I'm living a full life that requires a lot of energy.) Pray for the parts of my life that have nothing to do with lupus. Pray for me to be great at my work. Pray for my family. Pray for my dreams.


I'm sure that this list feels far from complete, and it is. This list is far too short for people who really want to do something. This is just a foundation, a starting point. I'll elaborate and give more thoughts on how you can encourage someone with a chronic illness in the weeks to come.

And a couple of last notes:

If you were recently diagnosed with lupus (or any chronic illness), I wrote something special for you. (You can read it here.)

And if you have been living with a chronic illness for some time and have become so discouraged that you can't receive encouragement even in the most wonderful forms from the most loving people, I have a challenge for you: Read through this list again and apply some of it to yourself. Choose dignity. Choose to see your life as something bigger than your illness. Choose to see the good amidst the hard. I'm not saying this will be easy, but the best things in life seldom are. 

This is the first of a series. You can read more here, here, here, and here.