I am sure.
But you've gained weight...But you've been throwing up...But it would explain some of your symptoms...But you have been married for a long time already...But I just think it would be really great if you were pregnant...
I am not pregnant.
Yes, my weight fluctuates as my health goes back and forth between good and bad seasons. Yes, I do throw up a lot as a response to pain. Yes, a lot of my symptoms look like pregnancy symptoms. Yes, I have been happily married for over a decade without ever getting pregnant. And yes, I think it would be really great if I got pregnant.
I am still not pregnant. I have never gotten pregnant, never miscarried. I simply have never conceived. And I
If you could feel the pain that I feel every year as Mother's Day approaches. If you could know the disappointment I feel as I am reminded each month that I am still not pregnant. If you could feel the longing I have when someone I have invested in tells me, "You would make a great mother." If you could see me fight tears as the doctors use words like, "very unlikely" and "not possible." If you could know the pain of telling your husband, "The last treatment didn't work."
Why have I never gotten pregnant? The simple answer is that I have endometriosis and lupus with Sjogren's syndrome in the mix. This combination is not very conducive to having a baby. This is the easiest answer to give when someone asks. But the real answer is, "I don't know." Pregnancy is not 100% outside of the realm of possibility even with my special combination of maladies. Miracles happen. I believe in miracles. I have prayed for this particular miracle. Many times. I am unwavering in my faith and trust in God. And I am still not pregnant. And I have no words that can sufficiently explain why.
I don't ask, "Why," because I don't need to be stuck in a question that leads to a dead end. I choose to live each day with an optimism that whether or not God chooses to bless me with children of my own, He still has amazing things in store for me.
But still...
There are times when I feel sad. I see something that reminds me. Or, something happens that brings up the hurt. Sometimes - like when Mother's Day is approaching - I know that it's coming. Sometimes those times come unexpectedly. And because I am - as many of my friends have told me - a joyful person, there's often no way for others to know if this is one of those times or not. And those light-hearted jokes just make it worse because it is not a light topic for me. It is unbearably heavy. And when something feels unbearably heavy, some jokes just pile onto the weight.
I have been very vocal about my journey with lupus ever since my diagnosis. But this is something I don't talk about freely for many reasons. It is an extremely emotional topic for many people in similar circumstances and I don't feel qualified to address it well. I have also had many situations in which I have told people that their joking about this is really hurtful only for them to be more persistent in their jokes. Not everyone understands what a difficult topic this can be. And it can be a deflating experience to try to explain these things to someone who doesn't understand. It is hard enough as it is. So like many, I choose to deal with it quietly.
So if I may, please allow me to make a bold request: Please consider your words before you jokingly ask me if I am pregnant or make light of the fact that I am not. (I know that there are cultures where it is considered a compliment to tell someone that they look pregnant, but I did not grow up in that kind of culture. And as much as I understand this kind of humor in my mind, my heart still fails to understand.) Maybe there is a day in the future when these kinds of jokes can make me laugh, but it's hard to imagine that. And I can assure you, this is not that day.
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