Facing A Reality of Too Much

After two weeks of traveling here and there and here and another there and here again...(whew!)...I have a couple of weeks before my work schedule comes back into full swing. Before you think, "Oh, how lucky for you," it's not as blissful as it seems. For the time being, when I am not occupied with my private piano studio, I am busy catching up on a to-do list that has become longer and longer from a life of overwork the past few years. I haven't just fallen behind on housework. (I haven't even finished setting up a couple of the rooms in the house we moved into a couple of years ago.) I've haven't just fallen behind on sleep. (Dark circles under my eyes are just now beginning to fade.) I've fallen behind on some things that matter most to me. It's not that I've forgotten about them or lived irresponsibly. It's not that I don't know how to manage my time.

I've had lupus for over two years. That's not that long. I've made a lot of changes in my life since my diagnosis. But if you look at my planner, aside from the multiple doctor appointments, you would have no idea that I have a chronic illness. On paper, I have lived a workaholic lifestyle. I looked ahead to these two weeks I have now and thought I could catch up in this time. I was wrong. Years of falling behind from pushing my body to the limit cannot be made up for in two weeks. This is my reality. So where do I go from here?

I will stop trying to live as though I don't have lupus. If I need more sleep, I will schedule time for sleep. If I get tired in the middle of a task, if I can put it down, I will put it down and rest. I will not let work be the reason I make unhealthy choices. If I allow my health to suffer, everything else in my life will suffer with it.

This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen. -Morning Prayer for use by a Sick Person from The Book of Common Prayer

I will not be "all or nothing." I am a perfectionist and I finish what I start. Sounds responsible, right? Nope. When I don't have enough "spoons" I tend to operate in two modes: I typically push my body past its limit and attempt to borrow spoons until there are no spoons left in the foreseeable future. When this happens, I enter the mode where I look at tasks and don't even begin. (If you are unfamiliar with spoon theory, feel free to google it. I don't have enough spoons to explain it right now.) I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. But I don't want to be anymore. So what if I have just one spoon I can spare? What if that means I can start something but leave it undone? Maybe I don't have to complete a task in a day. Maybe I should give myself permission to take five days to clean all my kitchen counters. Maybe I should start living with the realization that something is better than all-or-nothing.

I will not pack my schedule to the limit so I can fill it with the things that matter most to me. I recognize that this means I may will need to cut things out and say "no" more. I recognize that this may will disappoint some people. I also recognize that there are people in my life to whom I want to give more. And until I cut some things out, I will never be able to do that.

I will do less to accomplish more.