Lupus, Scriabin, and Holding On

Last summer, as a result of debilitating pain in my right hand and a refusal to throw myself a pity party, I decided I would not stop playing the piano. I studied Scriabin's Nocturne for the Left Hand. That's right. Only the left hand. This morning, I had an opportunity to perform this piece at my church as a part of my pastor's sermon. I was so delighted to be able to share my story through music in this way.

People have asked me, "How do you learn a piece like that?" I learn it the same way I learn all my other pieces: Practice. And a lot of it. But learning this particular piece takes more than just practice. It tests your character and patience. It tests your will and beckons your breaking point. So how do I do it?

I refuse to quit. I love the piano too much to stop playing. And this love brings me back to my piano every single day. Even when the pain is too much. Even when the piece seems too difficult. When I was diagnosed with lupus, I made a decision right then and there to not choose easy and to choose life. And everyday, I have to make this choice all over again: Do I want easy or do I want to live? Everyday, I force myself out of bed and choose a path that is hard so I can have life. But that is only part of the story.

I don't want you to think that I am really strong and courageous. I'm not that strong. I'm not that courageous. I wake up every morning feeling weak. And I have very real doubts and fears. I am every bit as human as you are. My aching joints and tired body don't let me forget it. So I hold onto God with all that I am. When I feel like I just can't keep going, He reminds me that He has brought me this far and isn't about to let me go. When I feel like I can't make it, He reminds me that He made me and His plan for me didn't end when the doctor told me I have lupus. And when I look into the unknown that lies ahead, I hold onto Him - a God who is bigger and stronger than me - and I trust Him with my life and my destiny. He makes things possible in the midst of my impossible situations. He takes my mess and makes something beautiful. He brings light to my dark places. And He holds me together when I am falling apart.

I will hold onto Him even when my hands are too broken to play and my breath is almost run out. And as I continue to hold on, I know that He will continue to hold me, too.