A Promise

I made a promise.

Back in July, my friend who was battling cancer posted these words on Facebook:

"Hey guys. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up.

September is lymphoma awareness month.

It means something to me."

I asked if she could give a reminder when the time came close. "I'll give you some Facebook and blog love," I wrote. She assured me that she would give a reminder. A few days before the start of Lymphoma Awareness Month, a reminder came, but not in the way I was anticipating. On August 29, 2015, Randi passed away and took her first steps in Heaven. She was 34 years old. She loved Jesus and she held onto Him until the very end.

In honor of my friend, I decided to keep my promise. I believe that Randi would want people to know that lymphoma sucks and cancer is hard. But I think that more than that, she would want people to know that God is good and cancer is not the end of hope. I met Randi in Bible college, where she was training to be a worship leader. Worshipping God isn't just something she did. It's how she lived her life. She sang praises to God until the very end. When the pain was at its worst, she kept trusting God. She loved Him with her entire being, and now she is finally at rest in His glorious presence. As I have dealt with lupus, I could always look to Randi for inspiration and encouragement. She went through so much, but was always full of joy, strength, and she was always ready to pray for anyone who had a need. She was a warrior. Her courage gave me courage. Her life was too short, but she lived a life that was full and significant. I am honored that I had the chance to be impacted by her.

In the last months of her life and battle with cancer, Randi shared some passages from the Bible on her Facebook wall. The verses that she chose are revealing of the hope that she had. A hope that wasn't dependent on her circumstances or emotions. A hope that was unwavering and deeply rooted in a strong, big, and loving God. In honor of her, I want to share these verses with you because I think that no matter what you're going through, she would want you to know the love of Jesus and to have the hope that she had.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:14)

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17)

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:2-4)

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ. (Philippians 3:20)

We miss you already, Randi. Thank you for living your life well. Now rest in the arms of your Savior. <3

Why I Hate Pregnancy Jokes

I am not pregnant.

I am sure.

But you've gained weight...But you've been throwing up...But it would explain some of your symptoms...But you have been married for a long time already...But I just think it would be really great if you were pregnant...

I am not pregnant.

Yes, my weight fluctuates as my health goes back and forth between good and bad seasons. Yes, I do throw up a lot as a response to pain. Yes, a lot of my symptoms look like pregnancy symptoms. Yes, I have been happily married for over a decade without ever getting pregnant. And yes, I think it would be really great if I got pregnant.

I am still not pregnant. I have never gotten pregnant, never miscarried. I simply have never conceived. And I want to scream want to cry hate it every single time someone jokingly asks or makes a joke about how I may be pregnant. I know they mean it in good fun, but for me, it's not funny. And the hurt that it causes is so disproportionate to the person's light-hearted intentions. At times, the pain is simply excruciating.

If you could feel the pain that I feel every year as Mother's Day approaches. If you could know the disappointment I feel as I am reminded each month that I am still not pregnant. If you could feel the longing I have when someone I have invested in tells me, "You would make a great mother." If you could see me fight tears as the doctors use words like, "very unlikely" and "not possible." If you could know the pain of telling your husband, "The last treatment didn't work."

Why have I never gotten pregnant? The simple answer is that I have endometriosis and lupus with Sjogren's syndrome in the mix. This combination is not very conducive to having a baby. This is the easiest answer to give when someone asks. But the real answer is, "I don't know." Pregnancy is not 100% outside of the realm of possibility even with my special combination of maladies. Miracles happen. I believe in miracles. I have prayed for this particular miracle. Many times. I am unwavering in my faith and trust in God. And I am still not pregnant. And I have no words that can sufficiently explain why.

I don't ask, "Why," because I don't need to be stuck in a question that leads to a dead end. I choose to live each day with an optimism that whether or not God chooses to bless me with children of my own, He still has amazing things in store for me.

But still...

There are times when I feel sad. I see something that reminds me. Or, something happens that brings up the hurt. Sometimes - like when Mother's Day is approaching - I know that it's coming. Sometimes those times come unexpectedly. And because I am - as many of my friends have told me - a joyful person, there's often no way for others to know if this is one of those times or not. And those light-hearted jokes just make it worse because it is not a light topic for me. It is unbearably heavy. And when something feels unbearably heavy, some jokes just pile onto the weight.

I have been very vocal about my journey with lupus ever since my diagnosis. But this is something I don't talk about freely for many reasons. It is an extremely emotional topic for many people in similar circumstances and I don't feel qualified to address it well. I have also had many situations in which I have told people that their joking about this is really hurtful only for them to be more persistent in their jokes. Not everyone understands what a difficult topic this can be. And it can be a deflating experience to try to explain these things to someone who doesn't understand. It is hard enough as it is. So like many, I choose to deal with it quietly.

So if I may, please allow me to make a bold request: Please consider your words before you jokingly ask me if I am pregnant or make light of the fact that I am not. (I know that there are cultures where it is considered a compliment to tell someone that they look pregnant, but I did not grow up in that kind of culture. And as much as I understand this kind of humor in my mind, my heart still fails to understand.) Maybe there is a day in the future when these kinds of jokes can make me laugh, but it's hard to imagine that. And I can assure you, this is not that day.

Do Hard Things

An entire month went by without a single piece added to my blog. So, what kept me too occupied to blog? I was practicing the piano. Yup. (You can get a peek into one of my practice sessions here.) I wanted to get in as much practicing as I could before my teaching schedule goes back into full swing at the university. And with all the hours of practicing, I finished memorizing my 235 backwards sections! It wasn't easy. At the end of each day, my mind was as sharp as mush, my hands were strong like Jello, and my SI joints were as cushy as knives. It was hard. And it was worth every minute.

I am able to do what I do because I don't let hard stop me. I just keep going, doing what I know needs to be done to achieve my goal. Even when I'm discouraged. Even when I'm struggling. Even when I feel like I hit a wall. Even when it's not the most exciting thing going on (or when it's more exciting than I prefer). Even when lupus adds limitations that make my impossible seem ridiculous. I would rather live a life that is hard than not truly live at all.

Do what it takes. Even if it's hard. Even if you have to go slow. Even if you get discouraged along the way. Even if the end seems so far...because this is the road that leads to great things.