Two years ago today, I woke up unable to move. My husband had to lift me out of bed and help me with every step of my morning routine. I was completely helpless and in agonizing pain. As the day progressed, I would get more and more exhausted from the effort and pain of every movement. This was not the first of such days. This had been going on for about two months. And every day that passed, I was more exhausted than the last. I had lost 20 pounds in less than two months and a third of my hair had fallen out. I had seen three doctors at this point. None of them could figure out what was wrong with me. I thought I was dying. I found little reason to believe otherwise.
Two years ago today, I was dreading the doctor's appointment I would have the next day. I was tired of the endless doctor's appointments. I was tired of the tests that yielded no answers. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of being tired. My doctor would ask me, "On a pain scale from one to ten, ten being the highest, how bad is your pain?" I would say, "It's at a nine," being too afraid to admit I was at a ten.
Two years ago today, I didn't know that at my doctor's appointment the next day, I would hear worry in my doctor's voice for the first time. I didn't know that my doctor would send me to yet another doctor who would do a biopsy on the skin on my scalp...the biopsy that would give me the answer I had been crying out to God for. And after these doctor visits, I would write in my journal:
Still no relief from the pain...I am exhausted. I saw two doctors today. They are close to having a diagnosis. Right now I'm waiting for test results. The second doctor took a sample from my scalp and left me with stitches. The first doctor told me I have arthritis in my feet. He narrowed down the possibilities...I don't like some of the words the doctors are saying. But I'm too tired to be stubborn. God is bigger than any diagnosis.
Two years ago today, I didn't know that my days of wondering would soon be over and my life would dramatically change. I didn't know that the following week, I would experience the most overwhelming feeling of relief as one of the doctors would call me to tell me I have lupus. Yes, when I got off the phone, I cried and thanked God for providing a diagnosis. The waiting and not knowing was finally over. I could finally move forward.
I am currently facing an unknown stage. I am tired of waiting. Of being disappointed. I am tired of being tired.
ReplyDeleteI honor you. You are a strong woman of God. Thank you for writing this.