Remembering

This time of year makes me very contemplative. October 7 is my birthday and October 9 is the anniversary of when I got the call from the doctor telling me I have lupus. So October 8, 2012 is a sort of "dark day" in my memory. I remember the physical and emotional pain of not having the strength to get out of bed myself. I remember the questions in my head, wondering what was happening to me and asking myself, Am I dying? I remember the agony of waiting for the answers to come...wondering if they would ever come.

The past three years since my diagnosis have been a whirlwind of hard and wonderful. I am thankful for life - so much more thankful than I was before I had lupus. I'm thankful or my husband. For my work. For the people I love and the opportunities before me. For the ability to see God's handiwork a little more clearly. So much in my life means more to me. And the unimportant things mean so much less.

And so when it comes to anniversaries, they feel weightier to me. I can't just dismiss them. I need them so I don't forget. I don't want to forget what I've been through. Even all the horribly hard stuff. I want to remember it all....because it's all the hard stuff that makes the good stuff all the more sweeter. Life is so much harder with lupus, but I am so much happier because I feel the joy of every victory, every good day, every beautiful moment.

So today, on the anniversary of that day between my birthday and the call from the doctor that changed everything, I remember what it means to be truly alive and I thank God for another year.